From Monk Mode to Meltdown: My Disastrous 10-Day Meditation Retreat in Cambodia
From Monk Mode to Meltdown: My Disastrous 10-Day Meditation Retreat in Cambodia - Arriving with High Hopes
After months of planning, I arrived at the secluded meditation retreat center high in the Cambodian mountains full of optimism and eager anticipation. I envisioned gaining profound inner peace and clarity during my stay at this exotic locale. The website had boasted of the tranquil setting and deep introspection facilitated by the Spartan accommodations and strict daily regimen.
As a busy professional constantly distracted by the stresses of modern life, I yearned to unplug completely and immerse myself in mindfulness techniques. The 10-day silent retreat seemed like the perfect way to press pause and devote my full attention to spiritual growth. I had heard enlightening stories from friends who emerged from similar programs with a renewed sense of purpose and connection.
Stepping off the bus into the rustic mountain village, I was struck by the remoteness and natural serenity of the environment. Without the din of urban noise pollution, I could hear every bird call and rustle of leaves. This was already helping calm my normally anxious mind. The mountain air felt cleaner and crisper, making each deep breath more refreshing.
I was greeted warmly by the retreat director, an eccentric German man with an effusive, hugging energy. He explained the daily schedule and rules of silence with an air of benevolent authority. I nodded agreeably, ready to fully surrender to this introspective experience. After settling into my simple dormitory room, I joined the rest of the attendees for our first group meditation session before dinner. Sitting cross-legged on a wooden floor with incense wafting through the air, it felt like my spiritual journey was already unfolding beautifully.
What else is in this post?
- From Monk Mode to Meltdown: My Disastrous 10-Day Meditation Retreat in Cambodia - Arriving with High Hopes
- From Monk Mode to Meltdown: My Disastrous 10-Day Meditation Retreat in Cambodia - The Spartan Accommodations
- From Monk Mode to Meltdown: My Disastrous 10-Day Meditation Retreat in Cambodia - 5am Wake Up Calls
- From Monk Mode to Meltdown: My Disastrous 10-Day Meditation Retreat in Cambodia - Silence Was Not Golden
- From Monk Mode to Meltdown: My Disastrous 10-Day Meditation Retreat in Cambodia - Hunger Pains Distract from Mindfulness
- From Monk Mode to Meltdown: My Disastrous 10-Day Meditation Retreat in Cambodia - Plotting My Escape
From Monk Mode to Meltdown: My Disastrous 10-Day Meditation Retreat in Cambodia - The Spartan Accommodations
While I had mentally prepared for an austere experience, the ultra-minimalist sleeping quarters still came as a shock. The entire retreat center exuded a monastic vibe, but the dorm-style rooms took sparseness to another level. Each person got a thin yoga mat on the wooden floor, a small meditation cushion, and a single sheet. No bed, no pillow, not even a light blanket despite the chilly mountain evenings. I suppose they wanted us to find warmth from our spiritual practices!
Other attendees came from varied backgrounds, but all shared a desire to detach from material comforts and dig deeper inward. Some were seeking healing after loss or trauma. Others hoped relief from the angst of modern life. One Silicon Valley executive simply needed a break from the relentless pressures to achieve more success.
By removing all distractions and excuses for leisure, the retreat forced us to actually do the introspective work. Let’s face it, when your bedroom has Netflix and snacks, meditation often loses out. Despite the physical discomforts, the limited lodging compelled us to fully engage in the program.
Sitting up all night with a throbbing tailbone challenged my equanimity. But observing others patiently endure their aches and pains taught me important lessons. I witnessed the power of mindfulness to transcend bodily sensations. And the shared adversity created a unique sense of community.
Through conversations after the retreat, I learned how profoundly the sparse facilities impacted others. A nurse found clarity on her life purpose after nights of wrestling with guilt over past mistakes. A real estate agent gained renewed empathy for the homeless after surviving the chilly floors.
From Monk Mode to Meltdown: My Disastrous 10-Day Meditation Retreat in Cambodia - 5am Wake Up Calls
If sleeping past sunrise sounds like a vacation to you, a meditation retreat will abruptly end those leisurely morning lie-ins. Most programs schedule the first guided meditation session for 5-6am to align with circadian rhythms and harness the clarity of the pre-dawn hours. While painful at first, many attendees come to embrace this early wake-up call as integral to the experience.
Dragging myself out of the thin sheet at 5am that first morning felt nearly impossible. The frigid mountain air made crawling off the floor particularly painful. I briefly considered smuggling in a cup of coffee to fuel my morning meditation. Surely caffeine counts as an herbal supplement, right? However, as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and shuffled to the meditation hall, I realized something surprising. Everyone else looked equally exhausted, yet also radiated a strange contentment.
In our technology-dominated society, waking up early is often associated with productivity and achievement. Retreats flip this narrative, making rising at dawn about presence rather than accomplishment. Without work emails or social media to distract us, the pre-sunrise hours became sanctified time to sit quietly with ourselves.
By the third morning, I started adapting to the schedule. I felt lucid in my 5am meditation, aware of each breath and bird song. Afterwards, watching the day break slowly over the mountains filled me with a profound sense of awe. I realized these contemplative mornings set the tone for more mindful days.
Others shared how the dawn rituals established healthy habits that stuck after the retreat. One 30-something exec started his day with sunrise yoga every morning rather than scrolling the news in bed. An older therapist used her predawn clarity to develop a new program for struggling teens. For many, the early start time remains a reminder to wake up and live intentionally rather than automatically piloting through each day.
From Monk Mode to Meltdown: My Disastrous 10-Day Meditation Retreat in Cambodia - Silence Was Not Golden
Contrary to my expectations, the strict rule of silence proved far more challenging than the Spartan accommodations or 5am wake-up calls. I had naively assumed that ten days without speaking would come naturally during such an intensive meditation retreat. How wrong I was.
Like most attendees, I quickly discovered an unexpected inner resistance to this enforced silence. Accustomed to constant chatter and stimulation, our minds revolted against the void left by lack of verbal interaction. Without the ability to voice our thoughts and feelings, they turned inward and often became obsessive rumination.
During the many hours of silent mindfulness practice, I confronted deeply buried emotions that I normally kept hidden, even from myself. Anger, jealousy, grief, and other difficult states arose as I sat with eyes closed, unable to distract myself through talking. Others later shared similar experiences, made more vivid by the mandate of silence.
One young woman found herself fixated on bitter memories of high school bullying, while a middle-aged man was haunted by regret over not spending more time with his father before he passed away. For many, the silence dredged up suppressed pain and regret. Yet it also created space for acknowledgement and acceptance of these challenging feelings.
Ironically, silence seemed to strengthen the bonds between attendees. Deprived of casual banter, our communications became far more intentional, often with just a look or gesture. During meals and exercise periods, people conversed through subtle facial expressions and body language. This nonverbal intimacy forged a deep sense of community.
However, the inability to ask questions or clarify instructions also led to confusion and anxiety at times. Guest teachers with accented English left many lost during lectures on Buddhist philosophy. And vague directives about the schedule fueled uncertainty about proper behavior. The silence rendered communication incomplete.
From Monk Mode to Meltdown: My Disastrous 10-Day Meditation Retreat in Cambodia - Hunger Pains Distract from Mindfulness
While spiritual leaders often extol the clarity brought by fasting, sustaining focus during lengthy meditation sessions without proper nourishment proved an unexpected adversary. As growling stomachs drowned out our mindfulness instructors, many attendees struggled to keep snacks and mealtimes from dominating our thoughts and undermining our practice.
Unlike monastic settings where plain rice or gruel are provided to meet basic needs while maintaining detachment, our retreat’s plant-based meals were spare to the point of near starvation. Nutritionally dubious soups and limp vegetables left many hunger pangs unsatisfied. Several attendees even resorted to smuggling protein bars and trail mix to maintain energy levels during marathon sits.
Focusing on your breath and stepping into the present moment becomes exceedingly difficult when sharp stomach cramps and dizziness set in. Even advanced practitioners found their equanimity unraveling as blood sugar levels plunged precariously low. While meant to reduce indulgence and food obsession, the meager diet ultimately proved detrimental to mindfulness.
As energy waned during afternoon meditations, minds began to obsess about what would be served at dinner. Some started strategizing how to discretely stash extra portions of rice or maintain contraband stashes of nuts and dried fruit. For many, the dining hall transformed from a place of humble community meals into an anxious focal point.
Some rationalized that the light fare constituted skillful means to illuminate attachment and craving. By keeping our biological needs unmet, the retreat laid bare the suffering embedded in mundane activities like eating. However, recognizing the ephemeral nature of a satisfying meal is quite different from battling gnawing hunger day after day. As one weary attendee confided, “Hard to achieve Nirvana on 300 calories a day.”
From Monk Mode to Meltdown: My Disastrous 10-Day Meditation Retreat in Cambodia - Plotting My Escape
By the sixth day, the strict retreat schedule and numerous deprivations had pushed me to the brink. My fantasies of finding inner peace and clarity through meditation had been replaced by an all-consuming desire to escape. And from hushed conversations during brief breaks in silence, I realized I was not alone.
Many attendees confided feeling imprisoned by the rigid daily regimen of meditation sessions, meager meals and endless silence. Deprived of any autonomy over how we spent our time, minds began to obsess over leaving early. Even the most dedicated adherents found motivation and equanimity waning after nearly a week of relentless mindfulness practice.
At first, I simply longed for creature comforts like a soft bed, a hot shower or an unscheduled afternoon nap. I dreamed of decadent meals to satisfy my perpetual hunger. But soon, I yearned for stimuli beyond food and rest. I craved interesting conversations, current events, music, anything to disrupt the monotonous routine. Memorizing the thin cracks in the meditation hall walls could not sustain my sanity much longer.
As we sat motionless on the hard floors, minds traveled far beyond the present moment we were instructed to focus on. Some fantasized about upcoming vacations delayed to attend this retreat, while others plotted business trips and social engagements. For many, escape planning became the only activity giving life meaning or purpose.
Given the remote mountain location, logistical complexities amplified the escape obsession for many attendees. Buses to the nearest town only ran twice per week, so securing a seat required strategic planning and hoarding of local currency for tickets. And the guesthouse options in town looked rather dismal.
But even backpacking down the mountain on foot seemed preferable to yet another 5am meditation. One man even considered feigning a family emergency to justify leaving early. However, the unreliable phone service complicated this scheme.
In a bizarre way, the collective plotting created deeper bonds between attendees. Our isolation and deprivation had forged a peculiar sense of solidarity. Realizing that everyone equally longed for reprieve from the retreat made the experience feel survivable, almost silly.
Humor also arose from the absurdity of our imprisonment fantasies. As one woman quipped, “We've changed roles from the guards to the prisoners trying to escape Alcatraz.” Finding moments of levity and connection amid the adversity lifted spirits enough to persevere through the remainder of the retreat.